


What A Damaged Girl

by nbpearl



Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Drug Use, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mental Health Issues, Overdosing, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, and now it exists, have this, so here, uh yeah so i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 16:50:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11406537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nbpearl/pseuds/nbpearl
Summary: Trina is trying to cope with the feelings of losing her ex-husband. Her world has fallen apart and there's nothing she can do about it except watch it continue to fall.





	What A Damaged Girl

**Author's Note:**

> uhh hello this is my first fic?? I'm serious when I say I have never written like a real fic before unless you count a paragraph I wrote in the eighth grade. anyway I love pain and it turns out that writing about it makes things somewhat better (or worse, I can't really tell). if you like this please let me know! I want to start writing For Real™ and any type of support would be greatly appreciated. big creds to jacob @ elderprices on ao3/memimes on tumblr who helped me revise this!

Trina was sitting at the edge of the bed.

 

 _He’s gone,_ she thought to herself.

 

“He’s _gone._ ” she whispered. It was the first time she had said it out loud, or rather, admitted the fact.

 

The walls were painted light blue. Mendel insisted on repainting the bedroom when he moved in with her.

 

“I think it will make the room a little brighter, happier.” she recalls him saying.

 

He could have been right, she thought, but colors didn’t matter to Trina anymore. Orange used to be her favorite color, just the sight of a sunset would melt her. Green reminded her of her childhood. Red reminded her of Jason’s chessboard. But now she couldn’t associate any of these colors with happiness. The flowers at his funeral were orange. The grass he is under is green. Red is the color his blood was when he could not stop coughing it up.

 

Trina didn’t _care_ about colors anymore, in fact. The blues, the reds, the greens, the oranges. None of them made any difference in how she felt. There wasn’t much that could affect her feelings anymore. Trina didn’t like to feel, she never did. She was always great at hiding her emotions from others, right up until her feelings built up so much she would have a meltdown.

 

That hadn’t happened in years, though. Mendel was always good at talking to her, listening to her, comforting her, loving her. He was always there, even now. Just like she always used to be there, too, for everyone. She was there when Marvin’s lover died. She was there when he couldn’t stop crying. She was at his bedside when he couldn’t even stand anymore. And she was there for his final moments above ground.

 

“Hey honey, dinner’s almost ready.” Mendel poked his head in through the door.

 

Trina replied with a small _okay_ without even looking up at him.

 

Mendel knew that something was wrong, but he wasn’t worried.

 

 _I’m a doctor,_ he thought to himself, _I’m a_ psychiatrist _. I can take care of my own wife._

 

___________________

 

Trina was awake before nine for the first time in weeks. She was just in time to watch Mendel take Jason to school and go to work. She used to make lunch for Mendel and leave love notes in his bag. Now, Mendel makes lunch for Trina and leaves it for her in the fridge with a note on the counter reminding her to eat while he’s gone. Trina used to hate having to be taken care of. She loved being the caregiver, even if it stressed her out sometimes. Having to be reminded to eat a sandwich or take a shower that day used to make her feel like a child. She gave in, eventually, accepting that she needed some help. Now she’s used to it. She didn’t even keep track of the time some days, knowing Mendel would get her to whichever doctor’s appointment she might have had, or to one of Jason’s baseball games. Though, she normally wouldn't last through the entire game, and Mendel would have to drive her home while Jason got a ride from his coach afterwards. Being at home was the only thing that made Trina feel safe.

 

Mendel finally left after giving her cheek a kiss goodbye.

 

“Everything is going to be alright.” He assured her before he closed the door behind him.

 

Trina walked back toward the bedroom, getting ready to go back to sleep. She had the next six hours all to herself. Just peace, quiet, and Trina, alone with her thoughts. Before she got under the covers, she reached for the small bottle sitting on the nightstand.

 

TRINA WEISENBACHFELD  
ALPRAZOLAM 1mg, QTY: 60  
2 REFILLS BEFORE 12/1/1982

 

Trina read the bottle carefully when she first got the prescription. Mendel had suggested she talk to a doctor and ask for something to help with her anxiety. She was hesitant to take any type of medication at first because she was afraid of how it might change her. Now, she didn’t blink an eye when it came to swallowing the bitter pills.

 

“Take one pill as needed, every six hours, not exceeding more than 4mg a day.” That’s what the doctor told her when he handed her the written prescription. Trina always used to be a rule follower, a respecter of directions. Now, she was a different person, and things were not the same as they used to be. Rules didn’t matter because no matter how many rules you follow, anything can go wrong, so what was the point?

 

She popped two into her mouth and swallowed them dry. It wasn’t long before she was asleep again.

 

______________________________

 

“Mom?”

 

Trina was suddenly awoken.

 

 _Oh no, is he home already?_  

 

“Mom?,” Jason repeated as he opened the door and stepped into the room, “have you been sleeping all day?”

 

Trina took a moment to look around and over to the alarm clock on Mendel’s nightstand. 3:18pm.

 

“Oh, hi honey….. Wh-, no, no, of course not,” she sat upright. “I was, uh, just taking a short nap.” She closed her eyes and sighed, and placed her hand on her throbbing forehead.

 

“Oh,” he hesitated. “I wasn’t sure because I noticed that you didn’t eat your lunch today.” Jason said.

 

_Fuck._

 

“I just wasn’t very hungry this afternoon, I guess.”

 

They both knew that was a lie, but Jason didn’t want to upset his mother, so he accepted her answer.

 

“Why don’t you come out and eat while I do my homework at the table?” he suggested.

 

Jason tried really hard to help his mom when he could. He knew something was wrong, but no one would tell him the full extent of the truth. Ever since his dad died, nothing had been the same.

 

“I miss him too,” he used to say to Mendel. “She’s not the only one who lost someone.”

 

“We just have to be patient, Jason,” he used to tell him, “we’re all gonna be okay.”

 

Jason did his best to take care of Trina. Before Mendel gets home at five o’clock every day, it was his responsibility to make sure Trina was alright.

 

“Sooo?” Jason asked, shrugging his shoulders. As if to say _why not?_

 

“Alright, I’ll be out with you in a minute.” she replied, forcing a smile.

 

He turned and left the room. Trina let out another sigh and slid over to the side of the bed. She picked up the pill bottle, took out two pills, and knocked them back with an old glass of water that had been on the bedside table. She got up, slowly, as to not move too quick or make her head pound harder. She took out a sweater from the dresser, put it on over her shirt, and made her way to the dining room.

 

By the time she got there, Jason had already set up a plate for her with the sandwich Mendel made, complete with a glass of water. Trina sat down and pretended to actually have an appetite. Jason tried to make small talk with her, talking about what he did in school and how Mendel told him they would go to the batting cages next weekend to work on his swing. Even though she wasn’t very social anymore, Trina loved listening to Jason talk. Just a couple years ago, she could barely get him to leave the house, let alone have conversations with her. Now it was the other way around. Trina was, deep down, happy that Jason had finally opened up more. Though she wasn’t very good at showing it.

 

“I miss dad.” Jason said.  


The three simple words took her by surprise. It had been a little over six months since he died. Two months since Jason brought it up, at least to Trina.

 

“What was that, sweetheart?” Trina asked nervously.

 

“I miss dad. And Whizzer.” Jason didn’t look up from the table.

 

Trina felt a wave of panic wash over her.

 

_Oh God. Say something, say anything. You can do this, you have to do this, you’re doing this. Breathe. Breathe._

 

Last week her new psychiatrist taught her some breathing exercises to try when she feels panic coming on. She was wracking her brain to remember even just one of the breathing patterns, but nothing came to her. Even with the medication she was taking, she felt the anxiety rushing throughout her entire body.

 

Jason finally looked up at her and their eyes met.

 

“Jason…” she started. Her hand reached out for his.

 

“It’s okay, mom. We don’t have to talk about it. It’s just that… maybe, if you want to, maybe some time we could? You know… talk… about it.” Jason broke the eye contact to look over at the noise he heard coming from the other room.

 

“Helloooooo?” Mendel called out. Trina was relieved to hear his voice, to know that he was home. Maybe he could calm her down--he’s so good with these things.

 

“Oh good! You’re eating.” He said happily as he appeared in the doorway. He walked over and kissed Trina’s forehead. She winced a little because her head still felt like it might explode. Then he walked over to the other side of the table and ruffled Jason’s hair.

 

“How was your day?” Mendel asked the room.

 

Trina didn’t answer because even if she hadn’t slept all day, it’s not like she would have done anything worth talking about. Jason knew his mom lied about not sleeping all day, and didn’t want Mendel to find out so he quickly changed the topic.

 

“Why are you home so early?” he asked.

 

“My last patient cancelled so I was free to go.” Mendel responded.

 

Everyone could feel the tension in the room. Trina was fighting back tears, which Jason knew, and it made him feel guilty and awkward. Mendel was just trying to figure out what he had walked in on. In an attempt to give Trina some space, Mendel asked Jason for some help in the kitchen. Jason got up from the table and disappeared with Mendel through the doorway.

 

Trina got up, leaving her half eaten sandwich on the table, and made her way back to the bedroom.

 

 _One more pill._ _Maybe it will stop this panic._

 

___________________________

 

_BOOM._

 

Trina shot up in bed, confused. She was woken up by a loud noise and her heart felt like it was going to beat straight out of her chest.

 

_What the--_

 

She peered over to the bedroom window. It was extremely dark outside but she could hear the pouring rain.

 

_It’s only thunder._

 

She looked over at the dim alarm clock. 3:07am.

 

_Guess I missed dinner._

 

As she let out a deep breath, her head reminded her of the headache she has had for God only knows how long now. In those few moments after waking up, her sleepy brain still trying to catch its bearings from whatever nightmare she was having, she felt nothing. For months she had been feeling sad, angry, upset, frustrated, but never _nothing_. Up until that point, all she wanted was to kick and scream and fight. She wanted to throw stuff, break things. In fact, she did.

 

“Trina, sweetheart, Trina let’s sit down for a minute.”

 

“No! I don’t want to sit. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want anything. I just need everyone to leave me alone! Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay. ‘Aw, how are you holding up, Trina?,’” she mimicked. “Do you all really want to know how I’m feeling? My ex-husband just died! The father of my only child has _died_. How do you think that makes me feel?” she shouted.

 

Mendel hurried over to her and, in an attempt to soothe her, tried to hold her hands in his.

 

“Don’t touch me!” Trina screamed as more tears poured down her face. She was hyperventilating now. She looked down, patted her chest with her hand, and continued to sob while Mendel stood less than a foot away from her. Without thinking, she grabbed the vase off the table next to them and threw it across the room. She watched as it hit the wall and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. She looked down at her hands, unable to believe what she had just done and, for a few seconds, the room was completely silent. Trina could only hear the ringing in her ears.

 

“It’s okay,” Mendel said softly. “Don’t worry about it.”

 

Trina met eyes with Mendel and allowed him to take hold of her hands this time. She couldn’t make out the expression on Mendel’s face. She couldn’t see him well enough through her tears.

 

“I think maybe... it’s time you go back to therapy. I’m going to phone a friend of mine, I think he might be able to help you with the grief you’re bearing,” he paused, then let out a tiny breath. “Why don’t you go lay down. Everything will be alright.” he said as he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. Trina sighed.

 

“I guess.”

 

Mendel rolled over to face Trina and put his hand on her arm.

 

“Everything okay?” he asked sleepily.

 

“Thunder. It woke me up, I guess.” she replied. Mendel let out a breathy _oh, huh._

 

“Didn’t even notice it.” he said. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the alarm clock.

 

“Still got a few hours, why don’t you lay back down? I’ll rub your back until you fall asleep… or until I fall asleep. Whichever happens first.” he let out a small chuckle.

 

Trina wanted to let him soothe her back to sleep. She wanted nothing but to sleep nowadays. But she couldn’t help but keep thinking about how she felt after waking up a few minutes ago.

 _  
_ “Maybe in a minute, dear. I think I need some water first.” She got up slowly from her side of the bed. She started to make her way to the bathroom. But she turned and grabbed the bottle of pills before she left.

 

_Might help me get back to sleep._

 

Trina set down the bottle and stood in front of the bathroom mirror. She stared at her face until she couldn’t recognize herself anymore. There were bags under her eyes and her hair looked like it hadn’t been washed in days. She started thinking about how much she liked the feeling of nothingness when she woke up.

 

_I don’t want to feel anything. I want to feel... nothing._

 

_Nothing._

 

The word kept repeating over and over and over again in her head, as if someone was quietly chanting in the background. Trina longed for that feeling again. She wanted to feel normal again, she hated how she always felt on edge. She told her psychiatrist once that she felt like she was standing at the edge of a bridge, ready to jump at any moment, but he didn’t see it as any cause for alarm.

 

_Nothing._

 

Trina picked up the bottle from the edge of the sink, opened it, and let one pill fall out of the bottle and into her palm. She examined it closely. It was such a small pill, she thought, how could something so small do anything to help? She set down the bottle, grabbed a glass that was sitting on the other side of the sink and poured herself some water. She placed the pill on her tongue and took a sip from the glass.

 

_Nothing._

 

She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Then, she picked the bottle back up, opened it, and took two pills out this time. She swallowed them so hard that it hurt her throat a little. By this point, her headache had started making her feel dizzy. She looked back at herself in the mirror, hoping to see a different person, however, she couldn’t focus her eyes well enough to see who staring back at her.

 

_Nothing._

 

She looked back down at the bottle and turned it over so that all the pills spilled out. She caught as many as she could. Without hesitation, she took the fist full of pills, shoved them in her mouth, and swallowed, chasing them down with water. Her head was on fire. She put the glass down, and lost her balance a bit from moving too quickly. She dropped to her knees and noticed that she had managed to drop ten or so pills on the bathroom floor.

 

“Trina, is everything okay?” Mendel called from outside the door.

 

“ _Nothing,”_ she whispered as her eyelids grew heavy. Mendel opened the door.

 

“ _I feel nothing at all.”_

 

 

 

 


End file.
